We continue on in lockdown, living out the routines we have created and aside what we have for dinner, not much changes. 

 

Turbulent weeks have become a norm, but this week instead of recapping on my week, I want to take you back to a specific day, to live in a moment. 

 

I have mentioned before that I keep a little yellow book where I scrawl things down, usually when my head runs wild or I feel I need to let something out. The below is from said book. 

 

I feel a little more unsettled pushing ‘Publish’ on this one, a bit nervous putting it out there. Probably because it exposes my immediate, unedited, brash, flipping thoughts, but I think it’s an important insight. 

 

Here are my jottings from Wednesday morning moments after I woke up, word for word and unedited.  

6am – 15 Apr 

 

Drink dreams are coming hard and fast. I can’t control them. I don’t know why they’re coming either. 

 

People say it’s because your mind isn’t occupied, or you’re not using your brain, but I am. It’s not like I’ve turned into a rock over the last 2 weeks. 

 

But whatever it is, I wish it would stop. I’m sitting here in the dark with anxiety & panic. 

 

Feels like I’m back in my addiction due to a fucking dream. A vivid one, but still. 

 

I can almost taste the booze from the last gulp just before I woke up. I can taste the shame when I drank it. Even in my dream I know it’s wrong, it feels like I’m naughty, but I still dream it and do it. 

 

My head feels heavy, like it’s bored of all this. I can recall everything, it’s so vivid, accurate and there’s no doubt when I woke up I questioned if it was real.

 

But it’s not. 

You’re safe.

Stop. Breathe 

 

Now write it out. 

 

I was back in Cambridge, going into my old house with the blue door. I open it, stagger into the kitchen and flip the kettle on. I slammed a bottle of Glen’s vodka down on the counter and took particular notice of the RRP – presumably thinking whether I could get another bottle. I take a swig and the kettle flips off, I go to pour the water in my Pot Noodle and miss completely. I sack that off and go for a piss.

 

Blank

 

I’m now at Cambridge railway station – the old one before it was done up. 

 

I stand in the ticket hall, but the barriers are open so I head for the toilet. I go in a cubicle and get out a Ribena bottle, take a swig, gag, and take another. I read “Lets get fucked!” on the door, and I actually see myself cackle – probably because I was fucked. Idiot. 

 

Blank 

 

We’re back in the house, my mate has just left. I open a can out the fridge and call him. I make up excuses for him to come back and that I’d get him a cab to the station. 

 

After what I can only think was a big weekend with him, I did not want to be on my own  – the realisation of being alone with your addiction, no thanks. 

 

I know I’m doing something wrong and searching for someone to normalise it. 

 

And now he’s gone, I’m not normal, I’m an addict.

 

I fucking hated being alone. 

 

I felt it. I felt it in the dream. 

 

*Why can I not shake that? When I think about booze, a lot of it comes back to this – the guilt, shame, embarrassment – but from who, myself? Talk to therapist about this* 

 

Then I’m in the shower, drinking. Somehow a thought of visiting dad comes in – he’s always home. But I immediately realise how much harder it will be to drink there, where can I hide it?

 

Blank 

 

I’m in a cab now, drunk, but trying  to act compos-mentis. I ask the cab driver to stop at a shop for something. I come out with 3 Ribena bottles and vodka. I’m trying to fill them up in the back seat. Cab driver keeps looking and I tell him it’s not going anywhere. I’m now swigging vodka in the back of a cab out of Ribena bottles. 

 

*Is this a flash back to the tube days? Ribena bottles every morning? Things are getting mixed up – London with Cambridge.*

 

Now I’m on a train, but I don’t have to get a train to Dad’s. Doesn’t matter. I’m still drinking the Ribena bottles, but I’m paranoid, there’s a family who is definitely on to me. 

 

The cart comes and I order GnT’s  – what fucking train am I on?! Certainly not Thameslink or Greater Abellio. 

 

I drink the Ribena and GnT together  – which probably brings more attention to it. 

 

*Fuck, I bet I tried to hide drinking so much that I often brought more attention – not so clever, hey.*

 

This is a bit nasty but … I sat on the train toilet and liquid just fell out my arse like battery acid. But that’s what happens when you haven’t eaten more than 2 bits of bread in two days, or a few Oreos. 

 

Christ, I don’t miss liquid lava shits. I heard the call for my stop, I opened the door to a woman staring at me, she looks me up and down. Not sure why. 

 

I’m back at Cambridge, but now the station has been done up – seems I’ve gone round and round. 

I called dad, waited 2 mins, calculated how long he’d be and ran to that shithole of a pub next to the station.

 

I’ve got my bike with me. I’m wheeling it round like a dog. I don’t lock it up, it’s always with me, even when my mate was here, I always had it. 

 

*I always got that panic when I had to travel anywhere. Like now when I smoke before any journey, no matter how small. I needed a drink right before any journey.*

 

I sit with a Guinness, neck it, barman comments (they always did – twats), get a GnT, phone rings, dad’s here, finish it, get in the car. 

 

Blank – that’s it, all I got, dream over

 

–  –  –  –  –  –  –  –  –  –  –  –  – 

 

Can’t shake the reality though – often have dreams, well every night, but they’re often in places I don’t know, people I don’t know. 

 

This was one of my best mates, my shared house, my dad, a station I knew, and the worst thing – I feel it now. 

 

“When your brain isn’t used…” blah blah blah – Fuck that, it’s happening for a reason. 

 

Need to shake this off, this will mess my day up.

 

The bike is significant – during the last of my drinking days, I’d always say I was going for a bike ride to mum and I’d ride round the corner, stop and get off – otherwise I’d probably be hit. I’d wheel it all the way to the shop, up the old railway path and then home. 

 

Why didn’t I just lock it up somewhere and then get it on the way home?

 

^ oops, trying to be a better alcoholic right there.

 

This one has rattled me. 

 

12pm – 18 Apr 

 

It’s now 12pm and it’s still sitting heavy and my mind is still spinning it. I haven’t had these feelings in a while, these are the feelings I had when I was 2 months sober, not 14 months. But it just shows you what a situation like lockdown can bring.

 

Call more people today and reach out to stay active. This is all stuff to talk through Friday with my therapist

 

This dream has really gotten to me. 

 

I know they’re not real and they’re all in my head but it both fascinates and scares me how strong that addict brain is. That’s how much this addiction is steering my  life; it’s taking over my dreams. 

 

There’s no doubt someone could easily be triggered to reach for the bottle by this in the morning – hell I was, the first thing I thought was of happiness, back to my drinking days, feeling content – I just didn’t act on it. But someone in a different place might have. 

 

Doesn’t matter though, I didn’t act and I AM SOBER. 

 

I’m grateful for everything. My life, support, people, love, care, health, SOBRIETY.

 

505 days ago I was fucked, probably blacked out face down on a plate of food at my parents house. 

 

505 days ago my mum thought I wasn’t going to wake up  most mornings and hovered outside my room until I made a sound. 

 

505 days ago I would not be writing and reflecting. 

 

505 days ago I had a brain that didn’t think I was an addict.

 

But today I know I’m an addict.

 

A proud recovering addict. 

 

I’ve worked fucking hard for this and no shitty dream is taking that away. 

 

Or lockdown for that matter. 

 

And it shouldn’t for any of us in recovery.

 

 

I’m strong enough to have dreams like this and while they scare me, in time I can rationalise and reflect on them. 

 

While a dream ruined that day, there’s plenty of days ahead and they will be sober ones, just like today. 

 

Your addict brain will come and go trying to tease you back, but you’ve got to recognise that and just gently, but firmly, put it back in its cage. 

 

Stay safe and keep talking. 

Love, Ben x

 

As Corona lockdown continues, time is still the enemy. 

 

Last week it felt like I was a contestant on Supermarket Sweep. Dashing through life’s store, grabbing at anything I could to fill the time. I found myself; 

• • Flipping between the 18 tabs open on my laptop, looking into everything from cat adoption to online courses. 

• • Mapping my day, so as soon as I pushed send on an email, I was on the phone to family and friends.  

• • Panic-ordering inhalers in case I got the virus, because I’m a smoker.
     
  • Scrolling through Amazon contemplating buying shit I just don’t need.  

And while a Brita filter may have brought me a little joy for a minute, I had to keep stopping and just saying to myself “what are you doing, slow down?”, before another set of tabs were opened. 

 

But I couldn’t help it. My mind was running at 1000 miles an hour, and it wasn’t slowing down. 

 

This week I was reacquainted with deep anxiety, once again. I felt heavy, a sense of worry, sense of the unknown, sense of fear. Not in relation to the virus or catching it, a general uneasiness just coursed through my veins. 

 

I’ve had trouble sleeping. It’s like when my mind isn’t actively being used, then it flashes back to shit memories. 

 

Last night’s episode featured a trip to Portugal a couple of months before I went into rehab. My parents were taking me away because they thought ‘a reset trip’ was what I needed, away from London, some down time. Unfortunately, the extent of my problem wasn’t public knowledge at the time…

 

The secret drinking started at the airport, when I bought 6 miniature bottles of vodka. Less than a minute after purchase I’d drank 3 in the toilet, then lined the inside of my belt with the other three – I was not getting on a plane remotely sober.

 

I opted to sit next to Granny on the plane, we laughed, joked and talked about how much we were going to enjoy the trip. “Yeah, all good, but where the fuck is this mini bar?” I thought. 

 

It finally came, I had a couple of gin and tonics and polished off the remaining vodka in the toilet. I was in holiday mode, nothing wrong with enjoying yourself, right? 

 

Except, needless to say, the smile faded rather quickly. We landed and I felt awful. We stopped for a Maccy’s and in true form, I ordered a mountain of food, passed out in the car and don’t remember anything after that. Great memories for Granny. 

 

I spent the entire trip going for bike rides, walks, chatting to my friends, jogs.  From the outside, it must have seemed like I was turning a corner, but it couldn’t have been farther from the truth.  

 

Everytime I left (if it was after 12pm) I was diving into the Golf Club bar, 2 double GnT’s, then a pit stop at the local shop, two bottles of Rose down the shorts, and back to the house… then repeated in the afternoon. Cracking holiday! 

 

I think it was at this point that everyone perhaps wondered why I’d be slurring at 4pm, or letting the chicken I was preparing for dinner skitter to the floor when I’d only had “two beers”. 

 

Truth be told, writing this hits me hard. My family took me away to try and help, but I betrayed their trust, lied the whole holiday, drank secretly, all while looking them in the eye.

 

It’s embarrassing.  

 

This will shock people, but despite the shame, if I’m honest, it’s memories like this that my addict brain wants to relive. There’s a very much alive euphoric recall to certain times and memories. 

 

If you look at it from your perspective, it was a fucked situation. If you look at it through my addict eyes, it was a messy but fun time. That’s the demon in me.

 

I’ve been trying to relate the lockdown to a time when I remember having similar feelings. When I felt trapped, unproductive, tired, anxious. Mainly in a bid to normalise the current situation, to prove to myself I’ve felt this before. 

 

And a recurring memory keeps coming to mind  – Week 1 of Rehab. 

 

We pulled up in the car at the gates and I burst into tears. The overwhelming fear of change and the unknown flooded my brain. 

 

I sat in the car silently, looking down at the 4 cans of beer and two bottles of wine I had brought for the journey. 

 

My parents got out of the car, but I didn’t move, finishing the last dregs of beer in my seat. 

 

Anxiety and panic set in, I was seconds away from turning back, but in the back of my mind, I knew that wasn’t an option. I had to save my life. 

 

I eventually got through the door and was admitted. I joked and laughed as I filled in the admission form, pushing back the reality of the situation. I was shown to my room, my parents stood in the doorway, I knew a goodbye was coming. This was it, home for two months. 

 

My parents left, I was introduced to the house and I sat in the living room. Residents were talking to me, but my mind was everywhere except in the present. My addict brain kicked in. 

 

I went to find the nearest support worker and begged for medication. In my admission I told staff I was terrified of seizing again. I now question how much this was true, or if I was convinced my body needed something other than what was natural to keep it going. 

 

I was told they couldn’t medicate me. My blood alcohol was through the roof, after drinking for two days solid in the lead up to admission. 

 

My mind ran, I couldn’t handle this. It was at this moment I thought about running. They couldn’t stop me. I was pacing. Just as I was going into my room convinced I was going to get my bag, someone grabbed my arm and handed me a banana and honey smoothie. 

 

I stopped, took the glass from one of the friendliest faces I had seen in a while and felt a moment of calm. She told me to drink it, as it was important to reduce my blood alcohol reading to a safe level so they could medicate. 

 

At this point due to my intoxication I still hadn’t fully comprehended what was happening, but it didn’t matter, the point was I stayed and I was going to do this. 

 

I unpacked, smoked more cigarettes than I ever had in a 24 hour period, chatted to residents, and watched TV. “This is alright” I thought. “These meds are a safe detox, I’ll just transition into normal, into what I used to be like”. 

 

I was so wrong. 

 

Day two. No alcohol in my system, welcome to hell. 

 

I woke in a pool of sweat, which smelt like a pub after New Years Eve. I tried to get up, I couldn’t. I wobbled to the bathroom and hovered over the toilet ready to heave up whatever was in there. Nope. 

 

I started shaking. Not my usual middle of the night shakes, I mean uncontrollable, scary, violently abnormal shaking. 

 

The only thing I remembered that morning was medication time. 8.30am. I got back into bed, shivering, shaking. The thought of leaving was beyond gone, I wouldn’t make it to the fucking door at this point. I felt like I couldn’t control my own body. 

 

I made it to the meds room, I reached out for the glass and threw it everywhere. I couldn’t hold a glass, I couldn’t put the pills in my mouth, I had been stripped of everything. 

 

I tried again, but resorted to the nurse tipping my head back and pouring water in my mouth to get them down. I wandered back to my room, caught my reflection in the mirror and died a little inside. I was a shell of a man. 

 

I don’t remember much, but I know I lay disabled in my bed; sweating, shaking, wrenching, wincing from the pain. I recall images of the same news report appearing on the BBC news hour after hour, because I couldn’t change the channel. The strength needed to push the button just wasn’t there – I know that’s hard to believe, but it’s true. 

 

For the next two days, this was the routine. 

 

After I had overcome the withdrawals, the angst set in.

 

We had a routine, a timetable which was set out daily on the noticeboard, and at this point in our lives, this is what we lived for. This timetable was our life, our mantra, our everything. 

 

When my mind finally started to work again, I felt a wealth of emotions. Reality dawned on me in this first week. The awful reality of: nothing being the same, how much I’d fucked up, who I’d lost, what I’d lost and, more importantly, what I was going to do after this was over. 

 

I spent every night of the first week in tears, coming to terms with the reality of the situation. 

 

I spent group therapy listening to everyone in the room and relating in one way or another to everyone’s situations which all ended with the same thought “Fuck, I really am an alcoholic”. 

 

I spent hours outside smoking thinking about the future and how I didn’t have a bloody clue what it held. 

 

I spent every minute of AA meetings listening to how sobriety had changed people’s lives, while thinking “You lying shitbag”, out of jealousy. 

 

My mind was a mess, all over the shop. I struggled to grasp what was right and wrong. But I knew I was in the right place and I knew I had to be there. 

 

But it wasn’t going to be easy. 

 

I’m currently 14 months out of rehab and while I don’t have the same thoughts coursing through my head now, they are thoughts of a similar nature.

 

As Lockdown  goes on, it’s less about solving the immediate things in front of me like boredom. It’s now dawning on me that the bigger threat is what’s to come, the continuation of swirling thoughts, getting louder and louder, day by day. 

 

I am trying to manage where my head goes, but when my mind has space to wander, it casts back to thoughts of drinking, rehab, addiction and pain. And with this naturally comes euphoric memories of drinking, the good times, the laughs, the joy. 

 

My addiction’s voice is trying to wiggle it’s way in and say “You know how you can solve all this, stop these thoughts and be happy?”, and it’s not wrong. A drink would stop them all, stop my anxiety, stop my fear and I wouldn’t have to be in constant battle mode.

 

But I have to stay strong, because I know my addict brain is desperately trying to flood my sober brain with the ‘good times’ making them more vivid and more desirable. 

 

Recognising this is the first step. 

 

“It’s not me, it’s my addict.

“It’s not me, it’s my addict.”

 

It would rid me of everything I have worked for. It would deprive me, yet again, of a life I have built. It would likely kill me. I would not be able to stop. I would end up in a world of pain. I would lose it all.  

 

I just can’t do that to myself, again. 

 

I have coping strategies in place, but they weren’t designed for these times, so they’re taking some adaptation. I have taken it right back to the beginning, back to step one – “Admitted I am powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable.” 

 

Remembering that, along with the outlets I have to share my thoughts – this blog, my therapist, family, friends – keeps me on the right track. 

 

It’s not going to be an easy time, and it’s hard not to project, but much like staying sober, you’ve just got to take it one day at a time.

 

Remember, stay strong, reach out, you’re never alone. 

Love, Ben xx